Lately I’ve been contemplating why I’ve been so lost in my practice,and why I feel a sense of disconnection between what I do and how I present myself online.
I work as a freelance designer making almost nothing at the moment,however most of my work lies in helping Buddhist Organizations get their “face” in the public eye.
I promote “mindfulness in design” and a commitment to practice this in my own work,however as of late I’ve been bogged down with the feelings of seperation and disconnect.
How to work with these feelings?
This is what I ask myself almost everyday,and as of late I get a taste here and there of feeling like I’m doing something correct.However I still long for a connection to a wider community of designers and people who practice Meditation and Buddhism in general.
It feels like everytime I make an attempt to pursue activities or go out and connect with the wider sangha or something I’m strongly interested in-I get roadblocks that allow little room to work with.
Although I have made a few steps and am starting to work with more people who are connected to the type of things I do I still have not found the “community” feeling I had in the UK.
Although the retreat in the UK was with another tradition and that tradition’s approach never really felt “right” I still enjoyed the connections and sense of community I got from it.
Seeking a teacher in anyway has proven to be quite difficult, of course I could take the famous Zen quote “when the student is ready,the teacher will appear” I still feel like i’m missing out and i’m running out of time.
Am I supposed to go on this path alone with just my stubborn family and my awesomely supportive yet (non-buddhist) partner cheering me on in a more subtle way? It’s great having support and people who are happy with what you have found,however sometimes I feel there’s a connection I’m missing with Sangha or a Teacher .
Although I have seen change in my life since finding a meditation practice, I do feel like i’ve take a step or 2 backward-who knows.
I long to feel a sense of community- I don’t see my life being useful unless i’m actively engaging my mind and my body in something transformative-be it Creating Art,Meditation,Hard Work,Conversation-maybe it’s because I lacked such a firm foundation growing up-who knows, really.
This summer I am planning to go on retreat @ Tassajara Zen Monastery for about a week, I havent gone through any formal retreat type lifestyle in this fashion before, so let’s see if it proves useful.